Monster

I’m in a strange place. The days all merge into one. At any given time I do not know the date even if I have seen it fifty times that day, as I play computer games and “chat” to others on twitter. There are so many things I feel I should be doing. Many poems and stories drift aimlessly through my mind. I cannot grasp the ends of these tales or tasks. I cannot yank them into being. Something concrete does not set.

For the moment I am not seeing the psychiatrist. My last visit, I wasn’t really there. He talked, I didn’t listen. The voices in my head all bickered, throwing up obstacles. I felt he kicked me out yet logically I know he knew he wasn’t getting through. It was obvious.

Now I ask myself these questions.  Should I make another appointment? Would it matter if I never saw him again? Am I still me after all of this??

With autism, schizoid behaviour, multiple personalities weaving their way, together with depression and anxiety, my overactive imagination sometimes sees me as a monster. All alone and a monster to boot!!

Except I’m never really alone, not with all those voices in my head. Even through the antipsychotic barrier my voices still bravely talk, telling me bits of stories and poetry. One day I will grasp the ends and unravel to the beginning and there I’ll find all of me waiting where I’ve always been.

Perhaps this monster does need to make an appointment after all. An appointment with the psychiatrist…………and soon.

 

Copyright September 2015

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6 thoughts on “Monster

  1. My personal take is see the psychiatrist…but also to try and separate the ‘monster’ in your mind from the real you. Release the monster unto the written world where it can take on the form of a fictional being, freeing you from its grasp. In addition, you may choose to create a hero within the same realm (who represents the light within you) to smite the monster.

    • It’s funny you say create a hero as I did earlier in the year and then didn’t know what to do with her. Now {and thank you for the advice} I do! It’s so obvious she has to be me and fight my battles. Monsters I can create aplenty………
      THANK YOU for taking the time to write to me, I appreciate it.

    • So do I Bjorn! Seeing the psych is not sad making it’s just tough. I’ve had quite a few weeks break now and have no desire to go back, as yet…..I’m feeling good and writery and balanced…..how unfamiliar is that!!!!

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