Cannibal

DSCF4445

 

In my bathroom, directly under the exhaust fan switch, lived Bobbie, a Daddy-long-legs. We would converse when I went to wash my hands or clean my teeth. He became quite agitated whenever I turned on the fan, twirling around in a fit and, I imagine, hurling curses my way. He lived happily for a couple of weeks in this prime position.

One morning I awoke early and entered the bathroom to find that Bobbie had been eaten, only the legs were left.

{See bottom Daddy-long-legs above}

There were two cannibal culprits. One was of a similar size as Bobbie and the other was huge…mega daddy-long-legs.

Now my money was on the mega-daddy but the smaller one was closer to Bobbie. It was hard for me to deduce just who the cannibal was. Until I could charge the culprit with murder/cannibalism I had to watch them closely and see who would benefit.

For two days they stayed in the position I found them. Like many a detective before me I began to question my reasoning and turned to drink…tea.

Finally, the hierarchy changed. Mega-daddy moved into prime position {see above} and tiny-daddy hung down lower, halfway between the switch and the floor. And so they will remain until tomorrow, when I clean the bathroom, and remove them both outdoors.

In the meantime I’ve called mega-daddy, Blake, and if you’ve read Jack Heath’s Timothy Blake books, you will know why.

The End.

 

 

Copyright July 2019

How To Make Cumquat Jam

How to make cumquat jam?
First you must go back in time to more than ten years ago. You will go to a Garage Sale at the dance hall on Dixon Road, Buderim and you will purchase, for the princely sum of $2 a plant labelled as Native Lemon. It will languish in this pot, doing absolutely nothing for a few years before it is banished to the back of the garden to fend for itself, as many other plants have done before. Here it will make its grand escape unbeknownst to humans because you were not looking. {It’s a jungle back there!!} One day you will realise that it has grown and go and check just what the hell is going on and realise you are months too late. You sigh, and hack the plastic pot away, heap lots of mulch up to the tree {for it is now a tree} and wish it well.

A couple of years later you see flowers and then…..native lemons?? Oh no no no…you see….cumquats!

You make fiddly cumquat marmalade each year and curse the tree and the person who bought it {yourself} as you prise out every one of the fifty gazillion pips that reside in cumquats. The marmalade tastes amazing but you wonder if it is worth it.

Fast forward to this year, where you decide to make Cumquat Jam {or Jelly depending on where you come from} for this year’s haul is a mighty one. {See picture below} The cumquat tree has obviously been enjoying the weather.

DSCF2863 (2)

 

What is the difference between the Jam and the Marmalade you may ask yourself and you will reply NO MORE FIDDLY PIP REMOVAL! Yes! All you will do is halve the cumquats, cover them in water and simmer for two hours. After this you let the whole mixture cool for a while before squeezing through cheese cloth. When you can’t find your piece of cheesecloth {it’s in the pantry somewhere!!} you choose a sieve instead and let the juice run through and then keep stirring the pulp until you couldn’t be bothered anymore.

You will measure your pulpy juice of cumquat and heat it up, adding the equivalent amount of sugar. For example, you will find you have 2 litres of pulp and will therefore need 2 kgs of sugar. You will keep stirring until the sugar has melted, and then simmering until jam forms. {You will test this by placing a little on a plate and if it sets then your jam is ready}

You will have your carefully saved jam and honey jars ready and warm in the oven. You will not have forgotten to take their labels off and therefore will not have to madly scrub whilst the jam cooks.

You will fill the jars, place on their lids and admire your work. You will ignore the mess and take a photograph of your jam instead. You will write about it. People will admire your craft, both with words and cumquats.

DSCF2866 (2)

 

You are the Cumquat Queen.

 

 

Copyright September 2018

Self Love

 

It’s like opening the lid of a rubbish bin

you peer inside and hope beyond hope

that you didn’t throw your mind out

{in that absent-minded kind of way

you’ve been living the past few days}

 

and there it is beyond the stench

huddled small and frightened in a ball

so you pick it up and hold it tight

pretend that it’s the greatest mind of all

 

 

Copyright May 2017